Namatsi - Hisia Ni Zangu

    My insanity takes over once in a while... trust me, i find pieces of me when the wind starts to whirl When it lifts me and tosses me around When the air starts to choke... and my tears get to the chin When I feel that I can't take it in anymore I find me in dark corners of hate How I still want to plunge a knife into your heart, like you did mine hold it then slowly push it down... as I stare at your face and smile How I wish that you could feel that kind of pain that only I know Or hear the shattering of your heart when it breaks And no I will not let you close your eyes or attack you from the back... like you did me I want you to see me! Heartless signing your corpse! Namatsi was here... she saw and conquered The sky did fall... look for her and throw her in jail © Namatsi Lukoye

 In the dark corners of silence Strangely I find myself drowning in an ocean of feelings The noise and haste of this world can be so frustrating That's whats why I always run So if I get lost in the silence, like I usually do And you find your self missing me, like you usually do dont come looking for me for I will be in your heart, like you are in mine Where I always leave pieces of me  That's how much I love you, I swear this on the sun! © Namatsi Lukoye

If the sun shines tomorrow like it did today wake my heart with a kiss If the moon looks for her in the darkness of the night Hold me like the stars hold stormy winds when we make love If she hides behind the clouds... remember me still Remember me... Remember my scent how my skin felt How my locks fell on your chest, when I slept on your chest Remember my kisses and how my body moved against yours Remember everything that comes with me.... I told her in a loud silence Sometimes life is clear sometimes blur..... Even this poem and honestly I am not gifted with sight! "Its all in the mind"... he said But tell me how I only win battles in my mind never in the field I guess luck is an enemy! Oh how I hate vows and promises burn them before you see me So if my voice is stolen by the witch of the sea, never to be heard again Look for the truth in my eyes... If they still talk Before you kiss me with your lies Let me feel love when our lips touch even if it

Once in a while I visit the shadows of yesterday! I walk through forests that scare lions into dens I know it aint wise, msitu wanisha kweli Lakini nilijiagiza, I will go on with a hard heart until, I learn how to become a snake... or at least learn how to pretend To hold gently, kiss passionately and push in the venom quietly without being noticed until I learn how to fuck like the world will end! and kill slowly and gently or how to burn the body, spirit and soul... with my eyes open These shadows aint kind to me... but am tough enough to stand the heat These shadows are like merciless warriors... but honestly death doesn't scare In my small mass I swing my sword to the darkness life will casts Its the thought of forgetting and not getting back at you, that would scatters my dust or ash to spaces I never want to think of! Like an eagle I am calculating... Bury my heart in your prayers... nipunguze chuki angalau For I am already dead! © Namatsi Lukoye

Warning:- Long and still rough Give me some minutes to get this off my chest Too much bile traveled up all the way to my mouth So pardon me when I ask Have you ever wondered what if we had no differences? No different skin colour, or language No different God What if we were all godlike because, we know that God is love & in his presence there is no room for hate What if we cared about each other, a little bit more to catch a brother, before he fired his gun to kill his father What if we could do, a little bit more to just watch a body lie on the ground, more than pity… more of help… more of giving… What if words could fight with bullets… What if you voices could stand in gaps… make a difference Like rest fires that not only burn the body but that torments the spirits and souls Because I tell you, hell is alive and it lives in the eyes of another man What if your eyes could see that? What if your voice could stop it Talk about southern sudan… about the stories

I felt the need to write and share my experiences with this monster called depression, who came with a beautiful face and took over two and a half years of my life. Before you proceed... kindly note that sympathy is not welcomed here, I only need you to understand what depression is through my story. To date most of the times I don't remember who I used to be before all that or how I would have interacted with people on a social basis. Healing is a process and I am finding pieces of me slowly. I am a Communication Officer for an organization which works for children with disability! which means that for most part of my day I will be interacting with stigmatized parents, children... suppliers other staff etc and without a proper emotional system. I don't remember actually how I found myself in house of self hate and destruction, I just did. Writing about it is not any easier than talking about it, though my counseling friend advised me to talk about it until all the pain

Carry me on monsoons and hurricanes that beat me and wake me Carry me past hills to mountains and drop me so I may crush on rocks Kill me at any chance you got because I don't feel pain no more I should... I really should Stab me from the front when I see you doing it I promise I will not fight with you... at least I will see your face Or better yet send bandits in the midst of the night so they can beat me to death Kill me at any chance you got because I don't feel pain no more I should I really should One thing I ask you... don't lie about anything Be yourself don't even pretend to like me Tell me those things you say about me and don't feel guilty I can never fight back... never have never will Kill me at any chance you got because I don't feel pain no more © Namatsi Lukoye

She lives in a lie... in my world I only float in some wilderness in her eyes My only hope is that her eyes can see the truth my soul She would know that I should break no more I am not after lust... she should know that I am grown I am looking for things that make one strong… how I feel when in her arms But things like this should never be said... where I come from Its a sin that preacher said as he buried me in prayer But since when was love a sin She is perfect in every way... curve to curve, bone to skin Yet I am scared of everything about her even feelings that consume me... Are they little forces planted by the devil himself? I wonder where the gods were hiding... when she walked my way I just wonder whether I am being tempted? Or can I really find love in another woman My society wouldn’t like a poem like this… that’s why poetry is my deepest friend I still go to church… bend my knees, and cry not to feel like this I ask forgiveness for feeling this way But

honoured to be performing this poem at a friends wedding this coming Saturday... am so happy for them He was born in mars She was born in Venus But the pull of the earths gravity made their spirits one Like the power of the sun , I felt their passions burn And watched their love glow and grow Glow and grow He was her charmer She was the beauty of a rose He held her heart… yet she was his strength Painter of her world! Venus is such a mosaic they always say… And mars… well mars can be something else But in this race of life… I would rather be running with you Their eyes would say… even when the storm was caving in And when their hands touched they said Royalty, put on your crown and take your place Love me more… and more… and more Love me when I am young, when my skin is smooth and my hair is makes heads turn Love me when I age too… in my wrinkles and when I try to hide those grey hairs… Love me still Rhythm divine calm me from the dangers of the world… with a kiss

Ever wondered why small children play with their parents phones as toys A game is just a key away, a world away Running away from this world in a couple of years the parent will say 'I don't know how to get through to him/her!' We are getting smartphones because our brains are sleeping... Our friends live on whatsup, twitter, facebook, and that's where we wanna be Those that make the effort to be there... we are too busy to notice as we chat away And most of the time... too busy sexting another man's woman or vice versa Staring at pictures, looking for likes and followers as if they will weep on our graves! Make time for your friends.... call them up! Don't let your friendship get lost in a machine! Oh and when you are with them.... enjoy every moment of the laughter and tears And when you get the urge to look at the phone... its time to go :) hehe Namatsi © Namatsi Lukoye

I died last night... I watched my soul walk out and leave my heart stopped... beating my body stopped breathing... because I stopped loving... me... I died last night my body gave up the fight... but I didn't curse the sky when it stared back I actually smiled and laughed out loud I died alone amidst joys and celebration with nothing but so much self hate inside me... So bury my heart in the warmth of your palms When they meet... as you whisper a prayer Bury me inside your words... floating to the sky before my words spark the flames of hell for the pain that I feel Like bullet holes or acids burns from a once time lover The pain of hating myself like I do! the pain of fighting with myself wondering how to stand again… how to be free of anger and how to live again Damn I owe myself an apology I am not as strong as I look... don't be fooled by the smile I am barely as wise than you think... even when I read My mistakes have proved that Nauje kufahamu kw

Huyu mwanaume nikama alinishikia uchawi flani Moyo wangu umekuwa mwepesi... una kidonda nashindwa kuponya Vitisho vya usiku sijui dawa hii ya kunishika aliimwaga wapi Mapenzi nakwara, kila mtu naona kavaa sura yake Roho yangu yalowa kule makaburini Yeye huku alala kama mfalme naskia avuruga tu ma Jameson Hata nikilala na Bibilia kitandani Milihoi wake washuka chini Moyo waeza kuwa mjinga vipi Hii ni uchawi nalia jamani Pepo zake zanifukuza duniani Translation This man, its like he has done some witchcraft on me My heart is troubled... a wound i can never heal I sleep in fear, I wonder where he hid his voodoo stuff I cannot love anymore... I see him in everyone My soul lays wet in the cemetery Yet he sleeps like a king sipping some Jameson Even when I sleep with the Bible on the bed His ghosts surround me Can the heart be this stupid I am sure this is witchcraft Its like his demon's want me out of this world © Namatsi Lukoye

In the world of poetry... dreams light the way Yet these dreams come slow and no one understands how, Anyone can hold on to a dream so tight in wilderness of lack All I want is to be heard, to get rich at it I wonder how since the world hates knowing the truth In the world of poetry... having nothing but passion is normal Going crazy writing, reciting and wanting to talk about words is fulfilling When you are hungry, the joy of your art fills you up When you cry... the world smiles When you smile... the world reads the next So I am an addict of this world... the less I get, the more I learn I have given so much to the extent I don't know what to give anymore This junkie has no cash to buy this drug... I will be on the streets! In the world of poetry... friends are few, acquaintances overflow This world is full of critics, judges, haters and fans you never see It is full of competition for no price at all The world of poetry is lonely, people see pictures and think

When weird words come to you and you can only pray that it doesn't happen soon!!! If I die today, shed no tear in grief But find strength in the words of my poems There, There I will be waiting for you If I die today, shed no tear in grief But smile that the world gave me a chance to share memories with you And I will miss your hugs, but find me in the warmth of your heart There, There I will be waiting for you If I die today, Let me go to the forces that call on me Wherever my body may go to rest, my spirit remains with you Remember never to forget that I loved you with the power of the sun And even death as scary as she sounds cannot stop this love If I die today, I will be your rainbow Flashing in the sky once in a while And for those days that you will miss me terrible Find me in the words of my poems There, There my love, I will always live In the warmth of your heart I promise you I will be © Namatsi Lukoye

Each time we point fingers at our politicians... three point at us There is no place in this earth that this game is played differently politicians were created to lie like we were created to die Kweli kinacho tupeleka mitaani kutupa mawe nini kama si ujinga Na huyo ni jirani yangu mtu mzima wa heshima zake... Ana bibi ninayemheshimu na mtoto mdogo mrembo Simwelewi mwanaume huyu! Jinsi siasi zinamuuma simwelewi kamwe Hana uhusiano na hawa simba lakini anzi atamangazi mwingine Kama Mandela nashangangaa mbona katumia kifua badala ya ubongo kama amani ni maua basi tujiulize haya maswali We put them in power... what the hell are we crying about? If you cast your vote shut up and learn... do it differently next time If you did not... shut up and follow... do it differently next time If we are the problem, who do we expect to be the answer? Sasa huyu kaka kawa mmoja wa wale who have made us embarrassed of our tribe, our culture our pride Erase all that made us proud and

I was asked by a friend… what do you think about the saba saba And what do you think about the deaths speculated by the prophet I wanted to shout loud that I really didn’t care to watch a show of politicians and idlers People from opposite sides of the economic world brought together by politricks I didn’t say a thing though… because I wanted to say it right… so here is my answer I think that the only reason people care is because the media has shown them its importance The same media that is supposed to be the watchdog of the society Is the same media causing tensions and preparing you for a war that hasn’t yet happened The same media that is not trying to stop any war… or bloodshed Looking keenly for hate speech… and total disaster Can’t you see? If it doesn’t bleed there is no news And if it scares and shakes well… bravo! They got the scoop If not, you should be prepared to pay them well to be on TV This same media takes sides… and secretly asks you whose side you ar

Love makes the world spin... but lust is the crazy part of this pen that makes it tick And this crazy energy between the two of us frightens me Chemistry so strong we got all equations balancing Crazy physics how I am drawn to you... is there sideways gravity? And I would fall into you even if it is for minutes The kind of things you are planting in mind! am embarrassed to say But I will try... I dream of your skin against mine... Drip at the thought of your warmth, your breath That face that is blurred to the world... How you hold me flimsy... like I would break if I drop And I know you don't want to stop... You got that touch confusing... exploring so I let you mine some gold in the wells on my secrets... (tell me who is the gold-digger now) Not scared but ever bold and hard just like Rihanna Dance with me like we did at Harvana As the music fells on our ears like manna Fading into the sound of our beating hearts Sound of us breathing... harmonies of our

Let me start by saying that if there is a God, then He must be cruel These storms are too strong! slapping each way you answer me these questions How he gives others children they kill How he gives others children they dump in toilets How he gives others children they don't want What game could he be playing? I guess all He wants is to punish us at the end of the day Every month she bleeds... she weeps It tears her down to see the pregnancy strip with just one line Tired of wanting to be a mother... it stings her not to have one Prayers don't work.... or maybe she just aint doing it right Kind of believes that only one will save her from the loneliness of the world And all her friends have one or two... Show her pictures Ask her for names Tell her tales of motherhood Silence is her conversations... at the end of the day she cries She has been to doctors tried everything even the traditional medicines She has been prayed for, curses broken she believes She

I must have written this poem a long time ago... found it in my archives Since I took my first puff No lie but, got hooked to your stuff You heal me it is true this aint a bluff Like some exotic therapy You make me happy Your love does something really great to me It sends a warm but yet chilly spell right through my spine I love you dangerously Seriously I love you like; I love the dislocation of truth I love you with all the light and darkness of the earth I love you like a bagger loves honey I love you like a gold-digger loves money, like money loves Bill Gates pockets I love you like women love bad weaves, like men love peeing in the streets I love you like… those dreams… those wet dreams; those I wanna be superstar daydreams If loving you was work, damn I would be the employee of the month Oh I love you dangerously Seriously I love you like Paris loved Juliet, like Juliet loved Romeo And am in love with this kind of doomed true love I love you like Samson l

I am so excited to share a part of this poem that is so close to my heart:- The political state of most African countries Sisi wote tutamuinua tu yule wetu ilipia nasi tule... natunaimba yule ni kupe Na wetu ni wetu kwa lugha si kwa wekundu wa damu Wetu ni wetu kwa chaguo wa mola wake ni kama tulirogwa mahali 'Shika mkuki, beba panga mwambie jirani arudi kwao'... alafu twajidai twa jali tukiona picha katika runinga Kioo cha jamii ni msanii wacha awafunge macho... kwa mziki na maneno ya ujinga ya kuwapumbaza Sikio la kufa halisikii dawa Milihoi wanaishi katikati yetu Translation We all will uplift our own so that we can also eat, and we call some ticks And to us he who is ours is ours if we speak the same tribe not if his blood is red Hold an arrow, carry a stone tell your neighbour to go back to where he came from'... then we pretend to be empathetic when we see the sad pictures on the televisions The mirror of the crowd is the artist let him blind them In s

The world is made of different types of flowers Those that protect themselves in thorns and poisons Those that hide when in danger… curl up we called them touch me not Those that have no clue how to fight… I call them Me! When I was younger I think I understood life… Never stay with a man who hit you… because if he hit you once he is gonna do it again And again and again and again until he wept on your grave apologizing It never occurred to me that one day I would be this flower with no clue of how to stop it How could I forget all that I learn as I grew up… When I was eight, one day as I was playing with my dolls I saw a man hold a whip… his wife running around the house screaming Stop! Stop! Please… I am sorry… it will not happen again… Terrified I ran home to my mother… I remember how fast my heart beat How my hairs stood on an edge… I remember telling myself that it would never happen to me Young children talk, I waited for my father to come home… He said, “only c

Scratch the surface... see what I feel See all the darkness... feel the heat Move within, step on glasses before you try hate I heard everyone has a story even the idiots running their mouth... I am stripping I am getting ready to show the world who I am Scratch the surface... see me Feel me Do you feel me? © Namatsi Lukoye

Nimeishi kwa uoga wa kugonga ardhi Jinsi penzi liligeuka bado nimepigwa na butwaa Ni ujinga sio!!! Kweli, kuna watu wa kupendeka ama ni ujinga tu? Moyo wangu wateseka kwa lako kosa Sitadanganya... ulini ulinichapa kiboko... uchungu mgumu kusahau najiogopea kama wote ni kama wewe... Nilikupenda hata zaidi yangu... sitosahau kamwe Naomba tu Jalali... nami anipeuwezo wa kujipata tena... Na kama machozi ndio ulitaka kuona Nami ziwa nimekutengenezea nyumbani... Nakuomba tu... wacha kunichokoza kwa kunitembelea Nameza jiwe kila ninapo kuona... nakupenda bado nadhani lakini kwako siwezi rudi walai.... Mungu awe nawe... Na ikaja kuwa wanikosa... usinitafute nilipo... nipate mwako moyoni tu, niliwacha vijisemu vyangu #Namatsi kweli mambo ya moyo ni mengine... Translation I have lived in fear of crushing on the ground The way loved turned... I still cannot believe Sounds stupid!!! Are there really people who can be loved or love is stupid? My heart lies in tears for

With words I bring destruction to peace and fiction to this, reality Opposition to authority Inflations to economies and make men honour me With words I change philosophies and create ideologies Make wise men acknowledge me, invent opportunities And perceive all that you see With words I make acts to challenge facts and spark fires And create liars and truth in men, I lower higher and bring further nearer to them With words I pleasure pain and clean stains I flatten plains and pray for rain I change the same Undrain the drained I play this game With words I deceive the mind and change the tides I unsee the blind and remould the grind I untie the bind and pride I kind I loose the find With words I unsink the drowned Dethrone the crown I, up the down and turn it down I later the now and invert the frown and amaze the……. With words I rule the earth Unconceive the birth and devalue the worth I rich the poor and ancient the newer, while increasing the

The last tear just fell had to ask myself why it dared after such a fight It kinda wondered why I tried stop it... Life is hard... even harder when you live it When you feel things... life is hard When you care... it is cruel This has to be the last time a heart cries The brain requested... You see the point of living lies not in hiding! It lies in finding yourself in the dust... Love is always bitter sweet Learn it, and when it stops Find the strength to move on It will not be easy... but you will find that it is worth it © Namatsi Lukoye

There is nothing as terrible as living in a circle, when all you want is a dark corner that you can comfortably hide and cry in How do you live as an open book when every reader is a critic Watching your every step and even when they don't say it You feel it.... the judgement in the eyes as they scroll one word to the next (a feel of what's coming in :- All that I am - Namatsi) I am trapped in this circle; What i really want well the heavens lied about it So I am lost somewhere in paradise... confused It is not as it was told... The rivers are not clear... pure blood The gates are not golden... iced tears There is no music... Choir master rebelled! And I miss everything, Everything I once hated Everything that I once believed in... Even the silence between us I miss the stench of our rotting corpses... Even the worms crawling on top of us... I miss it all I wish I should have listened to the voice inside... I am not yours to fix I am not a mix that you

The air is filled with joy... i don't know why! i can feel music in the passing winds... love in the greeting smiles... I want to capture this moment - freeze and frame me in it and i want to move to this beat forever and ever and ever and ever... All my tears dried and i cant believe they ever fell from my face I traveled to lands that my mother dreamt of... Felt biting cold, warm hugs and a soft kiss at a train station I fell weak into my best friends arms and told her my worries in a poem on a stage in-front of an audience I smoked the holy plant of another land... I don't want to talk about this:- one day my daughter might read this I cursed on national television - am not proud of it I was expressing myself and sometimes art can never be caged I fell in-love with a girl --- like me and she lived inside me I opened up to a stranger! Who must have thought that I was crazy When I told him that my dream is to swim naked in the Indian ocean... and no I was no

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:- Berlin was beautiful... so much to see, so much to find... so much to discover!