Bury My heart inside a prayer (struggling with depression)

I died last night... I watched my soul walk out and leave
my heart stopped... beating
my body stopped breathing...
because I stopped loving... me...
I died last night my body gave up the fight...
but I didn't curse the sky when it stared back
I actually smiled and laughed out loud
I died alone amidst joys and celebration
with nothing but so much self hate inside me...
So bury my heart in the warmth of your palms
When they meet... as you whisper a prayer
Bury me inside your words... floating to the sky
before my words spark the flames of hell
for the pain that I feel
Like bullet holes or acids burns from a once time lover
The pain of hating myself like I do!
the pain of fighting with myself
wondering how to stand again…
how to be free of anger and how to live again
Damn I owe myself an apology
I am not as strong as I look... don't be fooled by the smile
I am barely as wise than you think... even when I read
My mistakes have proved that

Nauje kufahamu kwamba hamna kitu kigumu kama msahamaha...
Hata kama ni kwa nafsi binafsi
Vita vya raha na huzuni... mioto hunichoma mara kwa mara jamani
Labda ningekuwa mkristo nipate nguvu za kusahau pia...
Vipi uchungu wa miaka iliyopita bado kanyonga mpaka sasa
Hakuna kitu kibaya kama kumpenda mwingine
Kama unaona uongo.... basi hujaumia bado
Na usiwe mmoja wa wale soma na kunimwagia huruma
Kwani kila mtu anadoa... kila mtu huugua!

Bury my heart because my chest is ready to explode with the truth!
No you don't know me... you think you do
I didn't push you away because I wanted space
I just felt that you would judge me!
I must have been scared to tell you
Because to you... I am more than flesh
To you I am a force you want to recon with
Quite honestly... I am none of that
Sometimes I see myself as dust...
Life is funny
The loudest laugh many not means happiness
The sorrowful cry many never mean grief
Think twice before you judge
Forgiveness is not an option I have...
My heart burns just by the thought of it
And you know me darling!
Its not in me to pretend!
And yes I am fighting with self esteem!
And I cannot even forgive or apologize to myself, for being this way...
Funny how everything eventually changes... even change itself
And yes... nights have stolen my sleep
And days laugh at my sweat... and I know that life is like that
Si mapya hayo nimezoea shida... hata njaa hainitishi...
ni mapepo ya kujichukia yanayo nichokoza ubongo... nikama nimeshikiwa uchawi flani
So when I am silent it is not because I am too proud to talk... no
It is because I am too weak to know where, or how to start talking to you and feel that you really are listening
I have seen people carry phones to places of worship... what would make me think that they would have time for anyone?

They talk bad about junkies... but sometimes peace is found underneath a glass... a puff
moments of forgetting reality even for minutes
A little puff, a little drink... some sniff here and there
and the pain smiles at me...
Before I forget how to cover the scars... sweetheart
Bury my heart inside a prayer
I need to blow the dust find my crown and wear it




© Namatsi Lukoye